Alex Cabot Was Scared
by dowhatuhavetodo
Summary: Alex knows it is fear that prevents her from getting close to anyone, especially Olivia.
1. Chapter 1

Alex had slept a lot lately. She reasoned she was tired but at the core she knew that sleep provided her with brief escapes from the pain she was feeling. Tough cases and political aspirations had kept Alex focused on everything but her buried feelings. Her work became her existence. Not until she met Olivia did she even begin to think again of what love could feel like.

Alex was embarrassed that she craved the touch of Olivia that she fantasized about touching Olivia's warm skin or her soft lips. She was embarrassed that she could not remember what it felt like to be caressed, that the few times she even felt the warm heat of another body was in the crowded court house elevators. Alex often wondered how in a city of millions she could go days without even being touched. Not that it even mattered because it was only one person's touch that meant anything to her.

Alex hated that she did not trust her feelings and that she doubted herself. She hated that she had trouble reconciling her long held albeit rarely practiced faith with the fact that she loved a woman. She hated the idea that loving someone meant she doubted her very existence.

She wanted it to be easy; she loved Olivia and that should be it. That loving this gorgeous woman would make everything else in her life make sense. That just being around Olivia would make Alex stronger and braver; but at her core Alex was scared and alone. What was this confident capable woman doing every night crying herself to sleep? Why was it so easy for her to defend the rights of others yet be still so shocked and disheartened that she herself was gay? Alex felt she was letting people and herself down by not being able to stand proudly and admit she loved a woman. She was skilled at keeping her insecurities and longings private and never had her private life and job life collided until that one particular day.

Alex saw Olivia crying in an empty interrogation room and froze. Her heart dropped then ached as she saw the strong detective's shoulders shake violently. But instead of reacting, Alex stood frozen and cursing herself for not knowing what to say. It was one of the moments in her life when she knew she should step outside her comfort zone and just act, but she did nothing. It was at that moment that Olivia's deliberately slow exhale pulled Alex from her thoughts.

"Move now", Alex screamed to herself and just as she turned to go she heard Olivia whisper her name.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex ran. Despite the painful pinch of her designer shoes, despite the concerned call of Detective Tutuola, despite the incredible shame she felt, Alex ran and did not stop until she heard she stairwell door slam behind her. It was only then that she stopped, her hand braced against the cinderblock wall, her torso bent slightly and her leather satchel hanging precariously from her hunched shoulder. She needed to exit the building but the thought of Olivia crying and alone in the interrogation room caused her to remain rooted in her spot. It was not until she heard the click of the stairwell door and felt the large warm hand of Fin on her shoulder did Alex realize that she herself was crying.

"Counselor, are you ok?" Fin's voice was so soft and full of concern that Alex could not help herself as she turned and buried her face into his shoulder. Fin pulled the leather strap from Alex's shoulder, setting it gingerly on the floor, then proceeded to rub small circles between the blonde's shoulder blades.

"You want to tell me?" He asked just before Alex's palms came to his shoulders and pushed slightly. She stared into his eyes and shook her head. As Fin nodded and stooped to pick up Alex's bag, the click of the stairwell door sounded once again. Both the male detective and the emotional blonde looked towards the door to see Olivia staring back with a look that bordered on concern and absolute relief.

Olivia's hesitant voice filled the air, "Are ya'll ok? Rollins said something may be wrong."

Fin glanced back at Alex, while Alex stared at the emergency exit sign located above Olivia's head. There was no way she could face Olivia right now, not feeling as raw and vulnerable as she did. Fin, still holding Alex's bag, gripped the leather strap tightly and faced Olivia with the intention of returning to the squad room.

It was then that Alex, spoke, and spoke with such force that both Fin and Olivia started. "I need my bag, Detective. I have somewhere to be."

Fin's head cocked to the side as his eyebrows rose slightly. Olivia stared hard at him under the impression that something he did caused Alex's discomfort. Similarly, Fin was under the impression that it was something Olivia did to cause Alex's obvious discomfort. After all, earlier Alex had gone to speak with Olivia only to end up running out the squad room and then crying in the stairwell.

Alex ended the standoff by pulling her bag from Fin's shoulder then carefully and silently walking down the stairs and out the first floor door.

"Liv, what the hell happened! One minute Alex is looking for you and the next she is flying out of here like the place is on fire. What did you say to her?"

Olivia's mouth snapped open as she stared at the male detective. She huffed, "I didn't do a damn thing! This is the first time today that I've even seen Cabot."

"Liv, I told her you were in the interrogation room, she had to have seen you. What other reason would she take off like that?" Fin's wide accusatory gaze left Olivia feeling confused.

It was the second time in less than an hour that she found herself alone, emotional, and thinking about the blonde prosecutor.


End file.
